Managing Aggression in Children

Helping a young child find an alternative to his aggressive behavior is an important step in the prevention of violence. It is very important to emphasize that punishment increases aggression rather than decreases it, and that children need to be taught acceptable expression of feelings rather than merely telling them what is not acceptable. The goal is not to destroy feelings, but to redirect them.

An important first step is understanding the underlying cause of the aggression. Anger and sadness are closely related in the child's mind. What is going on in the child's life? Is there domestic violence that serves as a role model for his own angry expression? Are there other stresses contributing to resentment and frustration? Could the aggression be a defense against depression? Dealing with the source will have a more long-term effect in addition to dealing with the here and now situation.

Secondly, identifying triggers to the aggression can help the adult head off a problem before it starts. Do the aggressive outbursts occur just before lunch when the child is hungry or just before naptime? Is the child fine with one other child, but displays aggression in a group? Does the child respond to a difficult task by throwing the object he is working on? Is waiting a particularly hard thing for this child to do? What about transitions? Knowing what triggers the response allows for planning, even discussing the situation with the child and asking ""what would be a better way?"

Probably the most important part of handling an aggressive incident is to keep calm. Children need role models of adults who are able to handle their own feelings. It gives the child a sense of security to know that even though he may be out of control, the adult can maintain his own self control.

Many children respond to a soothing touch, but others just get more upset. Know what works with each child.

If you use a time out method, do not refer to it as a punishment, but as a useful tool to help a person cool off. Model to the child that you use time out yourself when you feel stress coming on.

Help a child find words to express his feelings rather than using his fists. Help him say "I'm angry because you knocked over my tower." "I don't like to share." "I hate it when I have to stop what I'm doing."

After an aggressive incident ask the child to think of as many ways as he can of what he could do differently if the circumstances were repeated.

Every time you see the child behave appropriately, draw his attention to it. "Thank you for being patient while I was on the phone." "I know sharing is hard, but you let Jimmy play with your truck." "That was good using your words to tell Amy how you felt."

Plan schedules and physical space to reduce the frustrations that cause aggression.

Use humor to defuse a difficult situation. Using a light approach can often deflect a power struggle that may deteriorate into aggression.

Looking beyond the aggression to the hurt can help the adult feel more positively about the aggressive child which is something the child badly needs. A sense of self as lovable is a powerful defense against violence.

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